Tuesday, August 10, 2010

How would you move on with your life?

I am curious how some who have not experienced surrender would move on. Can you give me a detailed description of what moving on means to you and how you would go about it?





I obviously got it wrong when I tried.How would you move on with your life?
You can't move on....relinquishment means a life in limbo of never knowing.





The only thing you can do is to find ways to cope and deal with daily emotions.How would you move on with your life?
I don't think you ever ';move on'; with your life after any kind of loss. I can't imagine that the loss of surrender would be any different. To me, moving on is realizing that no matter how hard you try to make your pain go away, it is there and you will carry it for the rest of your life. I haven't experienced the pain of surrender, but I was surrendered as a baby and I know that pain can be horrible and alienating, especially when people belittle that pain and act as if it shouldn't exist.
How in the world would anyone who hasn't experienced surrender understand what it is like to lose a child, much less how to 'move on' from it? Only a parent who has lost a child could possibly understand such a lifelong sorrow. I don't pretend to understand it. I know it must be the most painful and difficult loss one would ever have to bear. Not only that, but it is also a recurring loss....a loss that you cannot grieve like a death, but one that is not ending....one that has no resolution unless you are able to find your child and make some sort of reconnection with them. Until that happens, I imagine that everywhere I looked and everything I thought of would be in reference to my child who isn't with me. Wondering/worrying what she is doing, how she is, where she is, if she thinks of me, if she even knows I exist, if she needs something, etc. IMHO, there is no possible way to 'move on' from some losses.
Perhaps you are confusing surrender with resignation, and resignation has a real bad gut feeling to it, y'know what I mean? Thats where I tend to make mistakes at least.





Acceptance means not resisting. I have a whole lot of baggage, thats ok - so do a lot of people. And then I have to take a look at my situation as a whole - yup, its messed up. Will it always be? Dunno, maybe, maybe not. But unless I am willing to accept the ';WHO'; I am part, the rest of me does not have a shot at being happy.





I'll give you an example - I was pretty badly abused, and it messed up all my relationships - I learned my social and relationship skills from wolves - so every single one of my relationships has failed - every one. I'm 36 and I've never even lived with someone - and I can beat up on myself real well and feel sorry for myself real easily about that fact - or I can accept that ';well, things could not have been any other way, and I messed things up because I didnt know any better, I simply didn't have any alternative - and that sucks, but the simple hope of the matter is that now that I have that awareness, I can say ';alright, I'm going to start learning from my mistakes, and yup, I'm going to make some again - because I'm far from perfect'; - but it means that over time I will improve in those areas.';





I have to do things like that, because otherwise, the hopelessness sinks in - and I start to believe it.
Well, to start with, you must never, ever think of it or speak of it again. Unlike us regular folks who lost regular stuff (like grandmas who died), you're most certainly not allowed to grieve over the holidays. Oh yes, and moving on means you only talk about happiness and light on Y!A ';The Adoption Section';. Because, you know, the fact that you discuss ';feelings'; and stuff means you obviously haven't moved on properly.
First of all, let me issue a disclaimer that I do not equate children with dogs. I'm just using this as an example.





My brother today told me he had to give up one of his Border Collies because they've had to downsize on everything, from moving from a house to a cramped apartment to cutting down on going out to dinner somewhere and now not being able to afford the care of 2 dogs. He's had his 2nd dog for as long as I've had one of mine (2 years). My husband and I were discussing it and saying we just couldn't see ourselves giving up one of our dogs. We'd find a way to keep them.





Now, if I can't even think of giving up my dog, I have no idea how in the HELL I can give up a child. It's inconceivable to me. Wondering every day what my child is doing and if they're happy and their overall well being.





As an adoptee, I wonder if my own parents, on my birthday, think of me. Did they think of me today? If they wonder whether I'm married and have kids and if I've had a good life. These are all things I'd think I'd do if I had surrendered a child.





As far as moving on, I don't know if I could. I think I would be almost obsessive in my quest to find my child. Even if to just watch them from a distance. I think I'd agonize over it. As an adoptee, I've made peace with my adoption because I'm not the one who had to make that decision. If the roles were reversed, I guess I would have to at some point accept that my child was not with me (that doesn't mean I have to like it) if that's what I needed to do to effectively be a parent to other children or to function in life.





That's just my guess. I really don't know that I could.
I voluntarily surrendered my son. I chose it before talking to anyone about it because, at 16, I knew I couldn't raise a baby and didn't want the burden to fall to my already aged parents. Do I regret it? No. Am I saddened by it? Yes. I truly believe I made the correct choice for him as I was in a very bad place at that time. I DID give him up because I loved him. I would have been awful for him. Drugs, drinking, partying...no infant needs to be involved in that.
i dont think anyone whos not experienced that can answer that question. Anyone who tries and hasnt been through it, is only being a idiot. And each experience is also different.





My friend who surrended, twice, says shes moved on, and maybe thats true. I don't know. I know shes never had any other children.
I do very much understand that one feels pain and longing but to move on means you progress to leading a fullfilling life even if you feel pain and you have the peace inside to know that even if you feel sad you have done what is best.
I don't believe it's possible to completely move on. One can project an image of success, accomplishment and even have happiness, but there will always be an empty, aching hole in ones heart.
I don't think I could. There are some things that there is no 'moving on' from. I think heal and recover would be better words.





The cruelty of some people never fails to amaze me.





(((((Hug)))))
I got it wrong, too. To me it's coping rather than moving on.





I'll be interested in hearing from those who have not experienced it.
I could never understand your pain and would not try to disrespect you by saying i understand.





However these lines gave me strength.





'; God, give me strength to change the things I can change, give me courage to accept the things I cannot change, and grant me wisdom to know the difference';
letting go of the past namely the hurt learn from it and move on always remember it so that you know not to make the same mistake again

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