Tuesday, August 10, 2010

How do you move on when your life is so overwhelming?

This is a serious question - I need help, not criticism. I give myself plenty of that.





I am a married woman, though my marriage is a roommate situation - an improvement over the unhappy relationship it was. It's calm and roommate-ish. We have three kids.





6 years ago, I became emotionally involved with a man I knew before I was married. I know it was wrong - I was lonely and unhappy, and had just left a home I love to move the family back to a place I dislike and under the thumb of his parents. It's been suffocating trying to live in the suburban mold and keeping his parents thinking we are raising the perfect kids in the perfect way. They turn on you like vultures on a carcass whenever there is anything wrong in your life, to the point of blaming me for getting an illness that took me 6 months to recover from (';how could you do this to your familiy?)





So, the man lived 800 miles away. It was an e-relationship but I lost my heart to him. It ended when his marriage ended due to other actual affairs he was apparently having in his home town. He never talked about his wife, so something seemed off to me, but other than that, I didn't know the situation. Our notes were not sexual for 3 years except a couple of times.





It finally ended, and not in a good way. We've not spoken or communicated in 2. years after I told him I did not want to speak to him again in this lifetime, but I still think about him every day. No need to focus on the fact that he is a cheat. I know what he is.





He has been separated for 3 years and I continue trying to make the most of my roommate situation. I looked up his page on facebook the other day, and all his friends are women who look like me. - same hair color, similar face. That was tough to see.





I can't move on. I have no other life - oh, I work, I do the activities with the kids, I run my home, and do the shopping and do the gardening, but I am so lonely. I have no friends, because I can't open up to people - there is so much pain.





How do I move on if I can't get invested in the life I have?How do you move on when your life is so overwhelming?
Ahhh . . . I can relate on so many levels . . . .





Here is the good news . . .you're alive . . . and all things are possible.





I was married for 25 years. Like you, the last dozen or so were more ';room-mate'; type . . . not totally (until the end-game) but pretty much. I kept saying, ';I want a marriage . . . I don't want a business partner.';





She told me, ';You're not going to get divorced . . . your'e all talk.';





Guess what? I'm divorced.





Now, like you BEFORE the end . . . I met someone. People who want to judge, they can, it is entertaining to them . . .because they have NEVER been in our shoes. The lonliness is crushing . . . it kills you slowly . . . and no anti-depressent can take it away.





Timing is everything, . . . .





My Ex sat down with a lawyer BEFORE I met my new Love. We put the house up for sale BEFORE I met my new Love. She stopped sitting with me at church BEFORE I met my new Love. And . . . she stopped sharing our bed BEFORE I met my new Love.





But when word got out that I was dating when we were still under the same roof . . . . I was the the piece of dog crap that everyone wanted to scrape off their shoe.





Oh well . .. .





So . . . I understand, . . . believe me . . .





The good news is that life DOES go on . . . and we can make new friends meet new Loves. If that one guy does not work out . . .just put one foot in front of the other and you WILL meet someone new . . .someone good . . .





I'm living with my Cuban-American Love. I have more love . . more respect (very important to men) and more ';affection'; than I had in the last 15 years.





So . . . hang in there . . . life and love are out there . .. . go find them.





Dan in MiamiHow do you move on when your life is so overwhelming?
You need to tell your';room mate'; how you feel.Why keep him in a going nowhere relationship? As for the other dude....Let that dog go he's obviously a player!! Maybe some quality time ALONE with your kids would do you a world of good!
break up
This is a tough answer to give in a few paragraps or less.


Since the thing that you need %26amp; the thing that you lack is love then that has to be your focus. Since you are with someone and raising your kids, someone you are married to you'll have to stick out that obligation until you





A. get stronger b. have enough money to fight them in court cause they're going to make your life a living hell (they already are but they can make it worse). c. find the support in a person that can really give your life guidance.





until then you can fall in love with your children. they know you are not perfect but we can give and give and give with kids and there is no end there.





in the meantime, take a yoga class...i know that seems paltry in comparision but one step at a time. take an art class, do something that makes you feel good and helps you get away from your sitation for a little while everyday.





Stay strong
You are in a bad place at this time. Don't do anything in a hurry. Please communicate your unhappiness to your husband-he is too. Don't blame, lecture, or preach, just state the facts and keep them about yourself, not his parents. Invite him to join you in marriage counseling. Go alone if he won't go with you. Get professional help before you walk away from your marriage. He and the in-laws will control your children, so don't rush.





In the mean time, you do need to develop some healthy relationships with girl friends. Start joining some friendly groups. Book club at the library, scrap booking at the local shop, fitness at the club, golf league, something! You need to laugh and realize that no one has the perfect life or family. You need friends to lean on. You need friends to help you fill up your lonely spots. You need to be heard. You are so lonely that you are hung up on an e-relationship. End this misery while you try to work on your life and your marriage.





Be strong and be a good role model for your children. They sense that things aren't great, and they probably know that the grandparents are calling all the shots. Ride it out, they will respect you for taking the high road, and they will see their dad for what he is, and for the decision he will make regarding your request for counseling. Find your inner strength. You've got it!
I can empathize on the roommate situation so I know what it must feel like. It seems like you are miserably unhappy and you were so even without this guy's ';help'; so that's probably a sign that you should move on. You hang on to him even though you know he is not worth the effort because there is nothing better for you to hang on to. Perhaps the best thing to do would be to get a fresh start, move out of the situation you're in your marriage. People divorce all the time and life carries on after that. I know you probably worry about your children but they will be fine if you handle this with care and give them attention and love.


You need to get out and see there are others out there, people who are worth the effort, and when you do, you'll forget all about this guy who is obviously not worth it.
He likes women with the color eyes you do and the color of hair...I SERIOUSLY about it is you. After all you are just like all of these other women aren't you. I think its just his preference. He has moved on, you need to realize this and do the same.





As for your current situation Sister Hazel said it best:





';If you want to be somebody else,


If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself.


If you want to be somebody else


Change your mind, change your mind.';





Be happy with what you have and learn to embrace it rather than everything that is wrong. This is all a mind set you are caught up in. Learn to appreciate what you have. Look into marriage books and work on your marriage. This is the basis of an actual good home. I can tell you about the ';Three As'; which will help within just a few days. You need to show your husband these, when you do, he will become more loving and thoughtful. Show him you ADMIRE him. Men in general want to know they are doing a good job and are ';winners'; in your yes. In this same light you need to APPRECIATE what he does...even if it is something he should do or something little. And last be AFFECTIONATE, men are just like all people. They need touch to feel good, especially from their wives. It is soothing, relaxing and connects you and him, even when it is not sexual. Work on it before you throw the towel in.


But if his parents are becoming vultures then it is something you need to address and ask HIM to deal with. You just keep being your sweet self to them, which will give them little reason to become vultures.
why wouldnt you just get a divorce? seriously, i wouldnt see any point in staying in a marrige that was room mateish!





me and my fiancee split becasue it became like that. we lost all emotional bonds, didnt have any physical relationship. we becasme more buddies or roommates instead of partners.





it sucked to give up the time we invested over the years but ive found someone who makes me so happy, i couldnt have imagined staying in a situation where i was, it was so unemotional...it just was...blah!





to move on with your life, you have to make a drastic decision and shake things up. its not selfish to want to be happy. get a man who will give you some emotions.
Remember you have to be happy not make everyone else happy. Do what feels right to you weather it be divorce or cheating with someone who can give you the attention you need. It's your decision just make it and stick to it. It all works out in the end...........SWEET MILDRED SENT ME

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