Tuesday, August 10, 2010

How do you forget the damage 1 man does to you, so you can move on with your life?

I've been divorced for 5 years now, but I can't seem to let go of what he did to me. I don't trust any men, because of my ex. I want so desperately to forgive and forget, but I'm really struggling with the forget part. How do you move past the damage someone has done?How do you forget the damage 1 man does to you, so you can move on with your life?
When I read this post, I began to cry because I remember what that feels like all to well. I do not know if this is your case but this is how I felt: there were two factors that laid heavy on my heart. some of the people who have written are correct you need to forgive him. The way I did it was to pray and focus on the lessons that I learned from the abusive ways that he treated me. I learned to respect all and showthem what love is. I learned to make special effort to always control my anger and worked on becoming the best that I could be. But still relationships were not working well for me. It was as if I would sabotage them, or just not committ at all for fear of getting hurt. By sabotage, I mean if a man was interested, I would think of a million reasons why it wouldn't work. It was a defense mechanism that I was using to try and protect myself. With time, I learned the most important lesson of all. I needed to forgive myself for allowing it to happen. That was not as easy as forgiving him. For some, it is easier to forgive others than ourselves. And I am not saying I was all at fault, but I did allow him to treat me poorly and I continued in a relationship that was unhealthy.


To this day, I will get feelings of unworthiness or become frightened and I simply have learned to use self talk. It works. Remind yourself:


This is not the man that hurt me.


he loves me with all his heart.


I will talk to him about what I am feeling so that he realizes it is not anything he is doing but something I am working on.





Take baby steps.........you are worth it.


I was shopping one time and found a simple star necklace that had an engraving on it. It said, '; Turn your scars into stars!


Shine brightly my friend. And shine that special light on all those around you.How do you forget the damage 1 man does to you, so you can move on with your life?
I suppose the same way a man does after a woman destroys his life.





I don't mean that in a smart aleck way. I have learned I dont need a mate. I can live without a woman and be happy. I do not see why a woman can not do the same. Understand?





After all - who knows you better than you? Who appreciates you better than you? (didn't mean that in an egotistical way). So I ask you.., who is going to treat you better? Plus you have more time.





Want simple companionship? Go out from time to time without getting wrapped up in sleazy sex, and just enjoy the conversation and getting out. Then a pet also does wonders around the house. A small dog can be a great benefit.





A dog will listen and wont tell. Will love you unconditionally. Just some helpful advice in a time when compatible mates are outnumbered by jerks and jerkettes. :-)
You don't dwell on it. You already know this is easier said than done, but it CAN be done!! You will have to get strict with yourself,and make a point of doing things in a pointedly different way than you have been doing them. By that I mean, if you think about him, purposely give yourself something else to think about. Or go DO something to get your mind off him. If you don't think about him,but your behavior is affected by your relationship with him,when you catch yourself doing the same old behavior,stop in your tracks and literally say to yourself,';I can do things differently! I can live my life without the influence of past mistakes.'; You may have to say these things to yourself many many times before they take hold, but they WILL take hold! Take a class of some kind that you may have always wanted to take..maybe at your local library or art museum. Learn to dance, learn oregami, learn a foreign language. Who knows? Somewhere out there, the man of your dreams may be at that library or art museum, wishing you were there!! Good luck to you,honey. I hope all goes well with you.
I was in the same situation you are in five years ago. Didn't want anything to do with men..didn't want them near me or to touch me..my ex was abusive toward me and i thought the next would be the same. A friend of mine said that I should meet her brother. I was resistant of course, but agreed. I went out with him and after one date I told him I just wanted to be friends. Well six months goes by and I started to notice things about him (we hung out as friends). How caring and attentive he was toward my son and I and how willing he was to console my crying son. I then realize that there are good men out there and I had one fall into my lap and not even realize it. That was four years ago and we are still together.





All I'm saying is I know it's hard to forget and alot harder to forgive, but it helps when you find a shoulder to cry on to help you and you never know where it may lead.
You have to learn from the past relationship,figure out your part in it and why it happened,so you can learn from it and not repeat the same mistakes.After that it is time to give yourself permission to be happy again.
There are ONLY two solutions to your problem,and it's obvious one(time)hasn't worked.





The other solution would be to seek out a therapist.Costly yes,but if you've had this ';bad'; experience over five years,you will certainly have it much longer if you don't do something about it.
you know i can understand your hurt but you have to get on with it and try and start afresh - easy for me to say , your saying - hope you get what you want and it eases as it goes along
Massive head trauma
u have 2 PRAY cause u cant let urself melt away cause a**hole didnot know what u were worth,IF GOD can forgive all our sins u got to forgive him in order to get closer to GOD.IVE been there also but i will never forget just pray 4him cause he is a lost soul that only GOD can save and when GOD is ready 4u 2 have a special person in ur life he will speak 2u,in a voice so loud/clear only u can hear u have 2 heal ur wounds by taking the 1st steps is forgiveness and alot of prayer.
You have to truly forgive 鈥?not just say it.





It is not about forgetting 鈥?it is about knowing that the guy was wrong, and that you will not let another person treat you that way again.





Another part of it, is recognizing, and admitting the part that you played in the relationship.
Your screen-name is unsettling, as you purport to be a 'sensitive', 'wounded' soul. At any rate, Forgiveness belongs to everyone, including your ex-husband AND (most importantly:) YOU. The process of Forgiving is a no-brainer when (and sometimes ONLY when) we accept it for- and on behalf of- ourselves. If you are NOT a Christian, may I encourage you in that direction? As it is the path that MANY wounded souls have taken toward refuge AND release. Dear, please know that the withholding of Forgiveness is NOT your right. NOONE, not even YOU, has the right to withhold Forgiveness. One of the most amazing (to me, anyway) things about Christianity is learning/accepting that while we may desire to believe it is OTHERS whom need to be held accountable for Sin/Wrongness, it is (often) our own selves whom stand to gain the most in recognizing and accepting responsibility for the paths/directions our lives take us upon. People will often disappoint and/or (outright) hurt us. BUT, don't WE (often) disappoint and/or (outright) hurt ourselves and/or others, as well? It is extremely sad for a Marriage (which God meant to last for the lifetime of the coveneant participants) to die, but now that yours has been permitted to it is crucial for YOU to understand that if you (selfishly) withhold Forgiveness, it is YOU whom will suffer. Does someone whom is no longer a positive contributor to your intimate, personal life deserve that kind of power? I need to say this with as much love and respect as possible, so here goes...';YOU need to grow up, release yourself from this pain and demonstrate the maturity that can only come with meaningful life experience';. Personal development/personal growth doesn't always FEEL good, but that's a fact-of-life! The alternative is NOT an alternative, at this point. Moreover, Forgiveness is NOT about giving something wonderful to another person, it is (more correctly) about releasing ourselves from the damage of iniquities/wrongness, regardless of the source. It is, perhaps, an ironic Truth that when we 'release' others from the pain they have caused us, it is actually WE whom become...free. (Is your ex languishing somewhere, bemoaning the fact that you yet begrudge him for the hurt he caused you???) Besides which, you MAY be having such a difficult time 'forgetting' BECAUSE you have not given yourself permission to love...again. I can guarantee that a HEALTHY relationship will make 'forgetting' that dweeb- and the remnants of his presence- all the easier! Moreeover, why don't you CHOOSE to trust yourself enough to know that you've learned something valuable from that (failed) relationship??? Perhaps YOU will be more discerning, recognize the 'wrong one'...sooner, etc. At any rate, I encourage you to seek spiritual healing/counseling. It very well may provide you the liberation you seek AND need AND deserve. It may also prove to be a channel through which a (right, decent, hopefully Godly) man earns a viable chance to love...you.
You either get counselling or just accept that somethings are just impossible to forget, you can't force yourself to forget things...that's just not up to you. The best you can do is just to try to use the knowledge that your experience has given you in the future to prevent things like this from happening again, and perhaps help others from experiencing a something similar to what's happened to you.
forgive him
It takes time. Sometimes a long time, depending on the damage. Just keep your relationships casual untill you are comfortable moving any further. Also, take whatever it is that he did as a learning experience.
well you've got to know that not every guy is like your ex. there may be the chance that you'd meet a guy who'd be like your ex. but there may also bet the chance that you'd meet a guy who would love you with all his heart and whom you would love with all your heart. life is all about taking chances. if you never try again, you'd never know.


therefore, to move on, you have to give others a chance, and yourself too.


but please try to make a better judgement of anyone that you might consider or you might just get your heart broken again.


best of luck!
Change your perspective. Do not look at it as damage he has done, but lessons learned. Change your focus to what has happened to you has happened to make you a stronger woman, for the right man.





Trust issues are difficult to get over, but you just have to do the best you can to let it go. Clean the slate for future relationships, and not hold against that possible perfect man, what some other nimrod has done to you.
The ';damage'; you have is your own. it's bot what HE did. it's what YOU are doing to yourself. ';Damage'; is something changed and not repaired. Why have YOU not repaired your life? YOU choose to leave damage done, gone without repair. not your husband. Repair it, fix it. The old story goes: ';it only hurts as bad as YOU let it';. Now.....you can play a victim all of your life, or go forward and enjoy life and help others who have been hurt.
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